Yesterday, Love was such an easy game to play

June 30, 2009 at 8:49 am | In Uncategorized | 11 Comments

I can’t even believe I’m writing right now. I feel like I’m going through a long, slow, painful death. We broke up. It was a rollercoaster ride of being on a break, not on a break, breaking up, not breaking up and it all led up to yesterday. To say the future feels bleak for me is an understatement. Yes, people have told me constantly that I will be ok. I know that, but it doesn’t get me from here to there.

He-who-must-not-be-named is confused, beyond. He misses me. He thinks that one day our paths may cross if it’s “meant to be.” I want to crap on all that, because it does nothing for me right now. Do I have hope? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I know things like this happens to other couples, but I’ve never been with those. I made a lot of mistakes in this relationship that I’m only realizing now, too late.

Too late because my actions have caused something to break in You-know-who and he told me this. He told me something is broken and so he decided to go with his gut and leave me behind. He’s going to be by himself. I’m going to be by myself. This is not my first break up and I know what to do, what not to do. This is my first time doing this with someone that I loved more than anyone I have ever cared for. First time with someone I thought might be the one. First time when I felt like breaking up was a huge mistake. But that is neither here nor there, just a lot I have to now go through.

Friends are amazing, even beyond my wildest dreams. There are many many times that I’ve felt alone, but hopefully they will be few and far between. I wanted to give you all an update, but the honest truth is that I haven’t missed blogging, haven’t missed updating Twitter or checking my networks. I miss all of you as people, that I truly know I’m losing. I’m not saying that I’m quitting, but to say I will update regularly could be a lie. I have lost motivation for so much in my life now. I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my truly broken heart. Every break up before this now feels like pin pricks compared to this.

I wish I could put my feelings into more words, but right now I just feel like music is plucking my heart strings. Nothing explains it better than this:

Yesterday,

All my troubles seemed so far away,

Now it looks as though they’re here to stay,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

I’m not half the (wo)man I used to be,

There’s a shadow hanging over me,

Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why he

Had to go I don’t know, he wouldn’t say.

I said

Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,

Love was such an easy game to play,

Now I need a place to hide away,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why he

Had to go I don’t know, he wouldn’t say.

I said

Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,

Love was such an easy game to play,

Now I need a place to hide away,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

11 Comments »

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I am so sorry. I’ve been going through the break, break-up, get back together routine for the past 2 years with my boy. Each time is as heart wrenching as the first, but trust me, things will get better. Just don’t force yourself to go out and “have fun” because until you’re over it, you can’t force yourself to be happy. It’s perfectly okay to mope and cry. Spend some time focusing on yourself. Join a club, take a class, do something you never thought you’d ever do. Email me if you ever want someone to vent to or talk to or anything. Good luck, you’re in my thoughts <3

Comment by liferehab — June 30, 2009 #

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Breaking up does suck. There really is nothing worse. But it does get better. No matter how much the thought of life without him may seem impossible it does it get better. Time is the only thing that helps. Try to focus on things that make you happy.

Comment by Tigerlily — June 30, 2009 #

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I was worried about you because I haven’t read a post from you in a long while. Now I know why.

I know there isn’t anything us bloggers could say to you to make the pain go away, but I hope you know that I am here for you – to talk, to listen, to drink with? – I hope you know that.

And remember, everything will work out in the end.

“this too shall pass”

xoxo

Comment by justcallmenora — June 30, 2009 #

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Sorry to hear about your breakup! Breakups are always SO SO hard and the only thing that makes them better is time…

Comment by Amber — June 30, 2009 #

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I know how hard this is for you. I’m not going to try to put a positive spin on it, because I know it’s not what you want to hear right now. You’ve been in my thoughts lately, and I’ll still keep praying that you find some peace in this. Happiness will come again, believe it or not!

Comment by Jill — June 30, 2009 #

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I’m sorry I was worried about you. If you need to “talk” just drop me an email. I’m a good listener.

Comment by Kari — June 30, 2009 #

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I’m so sorry…

Best of luck.

Comment by EarlyBird — June 30, 2009 #

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I wish I could do something to help. Are you a person who needs distraction (should we send you humorous links?), wallowing (should we offer to let you vent either via blog or email?), or empathy (should people offer up their sad stories, too?)? It is hard to read something so sad, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Comment by sequined — July 2, 2009 #

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This is my first time reading your blog, but I had to comment on this because it’s absolutely something I would have written a few months ago when my boyfriend broke up with me. He was the first person that really mattered, and I made mistakes, and he was really conflicted because he was unhappy without me but he said I had ruined everything good in our relationship. I was pretty much non-functional. It probably didn’t help that he continued to call me almost every day and occasionally we spent time together. I cried every time we talked, I cried hysterically after every time I saw him, I had days where I would overdramatically collapse in a ball on the floor or stay in my bed all day. After almost two months, I wasn’t really any better, although again I’m sure our contact didn’t help.

So I can only imagine how horrible you must feel. I’m sure you know what most people will tell you to do– spend time with friends, resist the urge to do anything stalkerish, take up a new hobby, do things like work out and get your nails done to make yourself feel good– but it’s okay to be miserable as well. Allow yourself to dwell for awhile, call every person you know if that’s what you want or hide out if you’d rather do that instead, let it be okay to not be doing okay. Don’t feel like you have to handle this a certain way because it’s how you “should”.

And like everyone else said, drop me an email if you’d ever like to talk. I know I pretty much exhausted my friends’ breakup talk tolerance and I felt like a burden. If you need to vent for an unreasonably long time, I’d be happy to listen.

Comment by Kim — July 2, 2009 #

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I’m sorry things didn’t work out better. I hope you are able heal from this loss with as little suffering as possible. But it’s hard, no question about that.

And I’ll be a little bit selfish and ask you, when you do find the urge to write strike you, that you come back and collect us. I’ve enjoyed meeting you, even this little bit.

Peace.

Comment by Sunil — July 3, 2009 #

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I hate that you have to feel this way. Mainly because it sucks. IM me if you need to vent. Seriously.

Comment by The Charming Hedonist — July 14, 2009 #

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